Thursday 27 March 2014

The End

I've been blogging since 2nd June 2012, two weeks after John's untimely death.

Sharing my thoughts and feelings on here has been my counselling, my psychotherapy, my shoulder to cry on, I've come to depend on this blog as one would an old, dear friend.
But, events lately have left a sour taste in my mouth, I have effectively 'killed' my own blog. 
I cannot continue writing it.

Last week I wrote a blog chapter which was worded in such a way as to offend, humiliate and upset...this was never, ever my intention, ever. I was trying to paint a picture and instead it came across as personal, which it most definitely was not. 
Thankfully, my apology was accepted.
My blog has never been about followers, about the audience that read this, I don't care and have never really cared for a following. I write, I get it out of my head, I move on. 
But, this situation reminds you that there is an audience out there, people are reading this and so, in my opinion, one must ensure that what one writes is appropriate.
Some might say that it's all about Freedom of Speech and expression.....in this case they're wrong, it's not, it's about knowing right from wrong and I was very wrong.


So, with this in mind, I am no longer writing this blog.
I have had my typing fingers well and truly burnt and I can't, with good conscience, carry on.
I have been troubled by my last chapter (which I removed and deleted) ever since I was informed of it's offending nature.....I am still troubled by it.
I don't mind admitting that I have had one or two nights of crying myself to sleep, for many reasons, but mostly because I feel disgusting, cruel and extremely embarrassed. 
This blog was supposed to be a positive, to make sense of grief and loss and mourning, not to hurt and humiliate and upset and offend.
I hadn't really finished with the blog, it does 'help' me, and I don't really want to let it go but I have to.
I will have to find other ways to deal with unanswered questions and issues that are still bouncing around in my head. 
Who knows, maybe one day I will actually speak to someone about it all.
But, at the moment it's beginning to feel like yet another 'loss', I feel tearful just typing this.


Over the months, complete strangers have messaged me and told me of their own journeys, how they have found similarity through reading this blog, how this blog has helped them to understand what they are also going through, etc, etc. 
And so I will leave this blog here on the t'interweb, who knows who might stumble upon it and how it might help them deal with the loss of a loved one.....without it I don't know that I would actually be here today.
To those that have read it, commented on it, followed it, messaged me, kept an eye on me, loved me, been there for me, I have just two very important words.........

THANK YOU


Tuesday 4 March 2014

The Past Is In The Past

Today was going to be a very big day for me.
This morning, 150 ish miles away in Somerset, I was going to be interviewed for a job.
The position was PA to the CEO of ScrewFix, a national builder's/trade company, a huge company.
A good job, good money, good benefits.

A week ago today, I spent the entire day on the computer searching for jobs, emailing my CV, sending letters of application, etc, etc.
While I was doing it, in the back of my mind, there was a thought, a seed of an idea.
What if I didn't go back to London, what if I went to Yeovil in Somerset instead?
Exactly halfway between London and Cornwall, it's also where my family live.
A win, win I thought.
I changed tack, starting searching online for jobs in Yeovil, recruitment agencies, etc.....within one hour I'd had a telephone conversation and had the job interview secured and confirmed...in one hour!!

Yesterday, after another weekend of too much thinking, I decided to pull out of the interview.
Why???

I LOVE Cornwall. 
I truly, honestly love it here. 
The people are lovely, the scenery is beautiful, it's relaxing, the dogs have the best quality of life, and for me, it does exactly what I wanted it to, it helps me heal, it allows me to become me again, it restores balance where this is too often chaos.

Going to London was led more by emotions that anything else, I was trying to return to an old life that no longer exists. 
My old life died the day my handsome, wonderful Husband died quite frankly. 
I was never, ever going to be the same from that day forward, never.

Going to Yeovil was predominantly for the work prospects but also to be closer to that gorgeous little niece of mine.

However, wherever I had ended up, I would have been running away, running, running, running. 
Had I moved it would have taken only a few months and I would have wanted to move again and again and again, never settling, constantly searching for, looking for, hoping for something that resembled my old life.....

It. Does. Not. Exist. Anymore.

I have to let it go.

Friends and family can visit Cornwall and I can visit friends and family, it's really not that difficult and, although it feels like it, I'm really not that far away. 
Going to Kent last week proved that 5 hours in the car goes by very quickly when you have something wonderful to look forward to at the end of the journey!

And then there's "The Chap".
We've been dating on and off (but mostly on) since early October 2013.
How fucking selfish am I to say, yes we can date, we can go out, but I'm going to do what I want to do with my life, I'm going to go where I want, do what I want and you just have to put up with it and take it on the chin, no matter the consequences or decisions I make.
That is fucking selfish. 
SELFISH!

And so, from this day forth, the future looks like this:

Max, Millie and Me are staying in Cornwall, this is our HOME.
I will stop over-thinking everything.
I have a boyfriend, his name is Justin and he is very lovely.
I will allow myself to be happy instead of feeling guilt, guilt, GUILT.

Anything and everything else will happen, it's Life, that's what Life does, it happens.
I fully fucking intend to enjoy it and live it, here in Cornwall, with my dogs and my new boyfriend....!!!

I'm never going back, the past is in the past.