Surprise, Surprise!

As expected, and with little surprise, I received the call from 'Brenda' advising me that, due to this bloody fucking weather, she's not coming. At least she let me down an hour and a half before the appointment this time.

I didn't actually expect her to arrive, so this time around I don't feel so bad, no wailing, crying, no emotional outburst.

But, I am disappointed. 

Once again I have been let down.

I have identified that I need to speak to someone and now, against my wishes, the Gods and Goddesses are conspiring against me.

I am really, REALLY tempted to just say 'Fuck it, I won't do it, I'll cope, I'll get by'.

What I don't want to do is go through life with all these unanswered questions, all this non-closure, all these 'Whys' in my head and, as much as my friends and family have been fucking amazing, they can't help me with these, whereas a trained counsellor can....if I ever fucking well see one!!!!!

So, I do need to see someone, talk to someone, but the longer this goes on, the more 'confused' I am, the more I am fixating on words, situations and memories that are eating away at me, making me feel like I want to scream, making me angry inside, making me sad, low and unhappy.

For the record, I've had a delivery of logs and a man has been to fix my wood burner (that's the truth, not a filthy euphemism!!!), so I do wonder why 'Brenda' can't get here....in her words, "I've just been out in the car and the roads are covered in twigs"......so she can't get to me because....?????

Hmmmmmmm!!!!!

While I'm here I may as well chip in on the dating game......

I'm really not sure about it.

Not from his point of view, not because of him, nothing to do with him actually, he's done nothing wrong, he's being completely lovely and charming and sincere, it's totally, completely, 100% me.

I feel such pressure (self inflicted!). 

I know it's going to feel odd, strange and weird but it feels really odd, strange and weird. 

Sometimes uncomfortably so, to the point where it feels like I need to leave the room, be on my own again, avoid the 'situation'.

I know it's going to take time to get used to being with a man that isn't John, this I do know, but is he getting a fair crack of the whip?

Am I giving him a chance?

I've dragged him in and pushed him away more than once as I said before. 

I don't want to do that again to him, the very thought makes me feel like a fucking c*nt (sorry, but it's the most appropriate word I could come up with!!!).

Some days I don't feel like I am giving him a chance, I am very much doom and gloom at the moment (I spent almost all of yesterday crying uncontrollably) and I'm not really sure which way to turn.

I have the counselling to sort, my head (and heart) to sort, and some other 'uncomfortable' worries I'm not sharing on here.

I don't know that it's a good time to drag some poor man through all of John McKenna's "Life Shite" (or should that be Shite Life?!), and there's a lot of it, believe me!!!

BUT, he gives me distraction, a welcome one at that. Perhaps I should just use him for regular uncomplicated sex (I'm only half joking!!!!!)

So, once again, as you can plainly see for yourself, I am all peaks and troughs in my head.

I don't know which way to turn or the best decision to make.

I really don't.

Now, where's my Vodka???