Before I went away this weekend I knew in my head and heart that it would 'throw a spanner in the works', that it would play with my thoughts, making me question my location, my life, everything.
Firstly, let me say how much I really, really enjoyed seeing Heather and her family, how much I enjoyed being back in familiar territory, how much I enjoyed getting away from Cornwall for a weekend, having been here continuously for over a year.
Heather and I have one of those relationships where we don't see each other often, but when we do we pick up where we left off, simples.
It's comfortable, it's lovely, it's easy, it's honest, it's proper friendship, I love and adore her to the moon and back.
Heather was there almost from the minute I got the call that John had fallen ill.
Heather picked me and John's Boys up from the airport when we came back from Germany for the very last time.
Heather helped me sort John's clothes and she took them to the charity shop for me.
Heather is fucking amazing!
I imagined that when I saw her for the first time I would cry, but no, the tears came the following day, in her car, the minute we drove over a hill and I saw the London skyline on the horizon.
The same London skyline I used to see every day when walking the dogs in Honor Oak Park.
The same London skyline John and I shared for 10 years (I can't tell you how much I miss the flat on Devonshire Road!!!).
The same London skyline where I once worked.
The same London skyline where the majority of my friends are and where I feel, quite frankly, that I left my Hubby and my life.
The same London skyline I hadn't seen since the day I left London for Cornwall.
I saw The Shard from the car and it literally caught my breath, the tears welled and I cried.
I didn't expect that, I honestly didn't.
While we were out walking the dogs, one of my best friends text me and told me that he was only 30 minutes away from us on the train.
Again, I felt emotional....so close and yet so far (but not 300 miles away in west Cornwall!).
So let's talk about Cornwall.......
In a nutshell, the dream has turned a tad sour lately.
Not only have I had my back/sciatica issues to contend with (being off sick means no pay and no statutory sick pay as I don't earn enough!), my hours have reduced here, there and everywhere, I am home more than I am at work.
I am haemorrhaging money just to live.
Jobs are few and far between.
I have been proactive and sent my CV and a covering letter to employers in the area, whether they have vacancies or not, seeking employment.
I have actively marketed myself to no avail.
I am seriously considering paying for an advert in the local newspaper advertising myself for hire, but it's an expense that I don't want to outlay, but maybe I have to.
My 'runner up in Britain's Next Top PA competition' in 2011 is all over my CV but it doesn't change anything, even for an administrative job, never mind a PA one.
I have applied for a couple of PA/Administrator jobs recently but I never hear a thing, no one wants to employ a middle aged male secretary here in Cornwall - and I do firmly believe it's an age/sex thing for me.
Cornwall is stuck in the dark ages sometimes!
I know I got that PA job in February last year but that really was the wrong time, my head was all over the place....but there's been nothing since.
The turquoise sea and golden sands of Cornwall are one thing, but living here is quite another, even on beautiful, warm sunny days like today.
The underbelly of this beast is harsh and unforgiving, work is hard to find, salaries are low and making ends meet is not easy....it's no continuous summer holiday, not that I came here thinking that, but it is most definitely much, much harder than I had anticipated.
I know I was on a London salary but the high end PA jobs here, comparable in work to what I did in London, are paid approximately 50% less than I was earning!
I should have researched the employment market more.
I should have researched the jobs market more.
I should have researched the salaries more.
I should have researched more!!!!
Being gay in Cornwall......it's not easy.
It's hidden, it's underground, it's not something the majority of people here talk about or even recognise.
The gay population here is minimal, they pretty much do the opposite to what I have done and move to the big city.
I have met a couple of people that will be friends but there's no 'gay life' here.
I have had men contact me to see if I want to meet up while their wife was at the supermarket........!!!!!!
It's closeted, it's practically non-existent.
It makes me feel very lonely.
John and I weren't on the London gay scene very much but there's not even a gay pub until you pretty much get to Devon!
Again, I should have researched more!!!!!
I am aware that I am painting a very negative picture, but to be honest (and that's what this blog was always going to be!), it is a very negative picture.
I'm not earning much.
I'm still missing my life in London.
I'm thinking far too much.
The 'solution', if there is one, would be for me to find a decently paid, full time, monday to friday job.
It would give me full time work.
It would give me income.
It would give me a social life (I can't afford one at the moment!).
It would give me a sense of being settled here, which is what I want.
It would stop me thinking too fucking much.
I only have two or three months to decide one way or the other what I am going to do.
This lovely little house tenancy is up for renewal in July.
I am fast running out of money - I have enough to move back or enough to sign on for another 6 months here.
The choice, as they say, is mine.
Only I can decide.
But that's the problem, I don't know what to do!!!
I'm not working full time, but I'm applying for decent jobs and hearing nothing.
I don't have a social life really, but I can't afford one anyway.
The dogs have a wonderful life here, they're walked daily in woods and fields and around rivers, etc.
As I am typing, the sun is shining, it's an absolutely beautiful day here in Cornwall, it's warm and Spring is on her way, it's gorgeous.
It's absolutely fantastic for the dogs.
But it's not absolutely fantastic for all of us.
I am feeling more negative than I have been for a long time.
I shouldn't have left my job.
I shouldn't have left my lovely flat.
I shouldn't have left my Hubby.
I shouldn't have left the majority of my friends.
I shouldn't have left London.
In hindsight (a wonderful thing!!!) perhaps a sabbatical would have been a far better and wiser option.
I really, honestly, truly do not know what to do for the best.
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